THE Year

And I think to myself: this was supposed to be my big year!  The year I got off my butt and did all those Big Things, made plot points in my life, etc., etc.... and now I can't because I have fallen completely on my butt and it will be a long while before I'm up again.  For a youngin like me, it seems like forever.  Now I can barely work to make enough money to go do those Big Things, and my computer is next to broken.

When I think these things, I get really antsy.  And then sad in another antsy sort of way.  I just want to run out the door and sieze the branches of the trees and send myself flying into the realm of success and dreams, but then I can't - I'm stuck in bed or hobbling around for another long while until my leg gets strong enough again.  

Woe unto Jessica.  

Then I roll my eyes: I sure do get whiny about the stupidest little things.   

The truth is, every year has always been THE year.  Something, usually lots of things, always happen to me, and/or I go do things that change my life, whether I realize it right away or not.  If that wasn't so I would still be teetering along in baby ballernia classes and spending my days gluing dried beans onto popsicle sticks for some reason (however, it's entirely possible that my habits have simply evolved to take on the appearance of age-appropriate sophistication).  Every year things happen, and I grow and change and I become a lame beggar (who blogs) sitting on her (air mattress) bed in her (parent's) house who starts to complain and then decides to marvel at how life and the world and God work instead.  Everything has always lead to something else, everything yucky is always working out for some other good - I've tracked these things, it's crazy - and every time my life is about to reach a plateau, Tarzan swings in and crashes destructively through, throwing everything up in the air.   And by Tarzan, I mean the Fist of God or something.  Gentle, but really scary.

At the glorious mead-guzzling age of 21 I'm young and impatient - I wanted to go to work with wolves this year!  This was going to be my break, the thing I always wanted to do, the thing that is going to prove to the world that I can do what I bloody well want, and cry those tears of blood and sweat because I had finally, finally taken the rope of my future into my own hands, thrown the grappling hook perfectly, and dextrously hauled myself up to the tower of my dreams.

Instead, I tore up my knee last Thanksgiving and I'm left recovering from surgery for half the year, unable to work the way I had planned to so I could save the money I would need to pay for my room and board for the internship I've lusted after for five years now, always putting it off for a lovely "someday."

I actually came up with a HUGE list of goals for 2012 - initially.  It's depressing to look at it now.  (I'm depressing - oh, another Eeyore sort of day I guess.)  I attempted in the first week after surgery to work on everything all at once (that was possible to do while sitting down), justifying that I am ADHD and this must be the best way to work, ignoring all of the other times I (and my parents) have tried this in my life:  if there are a lot of things, but they are planned for specific days at specific times, IT STILL DOES NOT WORK. 

This helped me narrow things down; it was actually useful to try it all and then realize what I truly wanted to be doing most of the time and what I would rather do only occasionally.  This second week I've been employing the "do what you want when you want to" rule and it's working out splendidly: I've narrowed all the everythings down to five goals (with their reasons, a la this blog post):

1.  Learn Spanish - for future travel in Spanish-speaking countries

2.  Learn Chemistry - for better understanding of ecology and DNA (I want to be learning Chemistry??  WOW, this is new) 

3.  Create College Rebellion - a community with a wide range of resources based off of my Life Without College blog.  This dreadfully depends on this SOPA and PIPA thing, which I recommend you go call your senators about.  -  for the purpose of helping more people and perhaps making money as an online business someday

4.  Learn to Draw - to illustrate my stories and for personal enjoyment and benefit

5.  Write new stories and edit the ones I've already written - for The People.  (i.e., I love telling stories and would love to share them worldwide someday, along with their corresponding illustrations once I can figure out shading!!  Bah humbug!)

And as this list came into fruition I realized: every day can be THE Day of My Life.  You fill life with a million little "aha" moments and you get art, wired substance reaching to a thousand hearts, almost suddenly, what-will-you-do-with-your-hands (I never know what to do) and there is your life, every second of it is that second, and there it happens...

What.  What can I do with this second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, in that order?  So what if I want to know everything?  All I have is the position of the sun or the moon in the sky and not a moment before or after.   

Black Sheep Femininity

There are sometimes still that I legitimately wish I were a man. Of course, I have been attempting to discover for years what makes me think this, and it is really a lot of things. Sometimes practical little things, like how it would be safer to travel; but I think there are two main reasons that, distinct as they are in my mind, are also very hard to explain.

One is that I think men are easier to relate to now, and if I were a man, it would somehow finalize things. As in, it would not be Jessica plus The Guys. It would be me, a guy, hanging with the guys. (Not the beer and football all the time guys, but the more [I think] masculine creative types, the Gary Snyders and Tim Burtons of the world.)

And that brings me to my other reason, which is to have the subconscious cultured respect for my creative work that is simply not very often granted to women; I don't even grant it to women very often, unless they are of the tongue-in-cheek variety, calm but authoritative, somewhat brooding but very bright and confident - traits that those men, such as I have mentioned above, possess.

When someone asks me who I admire most, my list is exclusively male; but when it comes to women, the type I just described inspire me more than anybody else, even as I often forget it. Their air far from that of a trying-too-hard feminist, I see myself in them: black sheep of the Gucci-sunglasses-pink-princess flock of girls in western culture. Often awkward when they are young, and beautiful when they've finally grown into that full bloom.  By then, though, they hardly care to realize it, much less show it off - somewhat "hiding" under hats and in darker, duller colors, nothing inherently complementing their face or figure, but in truth they look the most beautiful this way, subtly wild and fervent, doing the things they are best at.

They are the Elizabeth Bennets and Jo Marches and Anne Shirleys of the modern, real-life world: they make me proud to be a woman, as mismatched and discomfited and flat-chested as I am. I can't name most of them, but when I seem them I know who they are in my heart. I don't smile at them and they don't smile at me and it is better that way; we don't say but instead know that a pretentious smile is what it is.  And, in a moment, we smile real smiles, knowing we are kindred spirits.


(One person I can name is my Aunt Susan, and I know she is a huge part of my confidence in myself, whomever I may actually be.)

We have our girly friends and we love them and we have our guy friends and we love them in another way (and of course we have each other), and some of us find someone crazy enough to love us and, indeed, crazy enough for us to love; but I think most of us try romance for a long enough while and eventually find it trivial compared to the other invigorations we have found on this incredible planet.

All in all, these women are inspiring to me because they have embraced who they are, no matter what, without over-thinking what they should be in mind, body, or soul. They remind me that it doesn't matter, no matter what "it" is, and that nothing further than "it" not mattering needs to be discussed - just get on with things and stop doping around.

Okay, I'm going to stop doping around, wishing I was a man. I don't have time for this! I've got things to write, pictures to draw, animals to play with...

What is "Socialization"?

I am rather hot and bothered at the moment, so I'm going to write about it.

There is a great number of poop-headed, ignorant people in this world who are a bit big for their britches and cannot ever seem to say anything of even remote value to society.  In fact, the only thing they do is make people like me very upset.  (Admittedly, I'm quite sure I have been this person before.  Oh, God, help me.)

I know I should not let unceremonious, obstinate bastards get to me: it isn't as if what they say matters.  I guess I mainly have this urge to put them in their place; to culture and educate them in these areas they obviously have not been exposed to.  If someone assumes that homeschoolers are not "socialized", but are amiable and willing to see that is not the case, then that is one thing.  But if one is barking around on public forums declaring that, basically, it is certainly a scientific fact that socialized homeschoolers are the exception, not the norm, and that all parents who choose to homeschool their children are irresponsible prudes bent on sheltering their children (which was not even the topic of the conversation), then it is very clear to me that you, sir, are the one who has not been "properly socialized." 

A properly socialized person has been acquainted with a great diversity of people: people with different religious, spiritual, and philosophical beliefs; people with different upbringings and educational backgrounds; people of different races, cultures, sexual orientations; people with different life experiences that paint their own unique worldview and story.  And a socialzied person would take the time to listen and learn and love the people different from themselves.

Additionally, a socialized person understands social boundaries: they can recognize when is an appropriate time to say something and when is an appropriate time to keep the facehole shut.  They can sense when they want to say smoething and then don't, because it actually isn't something relevant to the conversation, or it would interrupt someone who is talking. 

Socialized people know good manners... they know it is rude and sometimes even hurtful to bash certain groups of people just because can. 

Of course, this makes me realized that most everybody in the world, I included, are probably not as well socialized as we really could be.

Oh, well.  Ima go work on that now.

My Secret Happiness Formula

1. Read good books

2. Eat good food

3. Listen to good music

4. Love the beautiful people and land, and the God who created them.

End o' the Year...

 

Books Read in 2011

Every year I like to keep up a list of all that I have read, and then rate them on a scale of 1-5 that my friend Natalie made up. I also like to add little reviews to both explain my ratings and to give you an idea in case you want to read them. Feel free to strike up a friendly discussion if you’ve read any of these books, by the way! I could talk about books all day.

Here is the scale:

5-I REALLY liked it!

4-Also very, very good

3-Good

2-Okay, but not necessarily worth the time

1-Wouldn't recommend it

1. A Broom of One's Own by Nancy Peacock - 5 - This is a nonfiction book written by an authoress who does not make enough money to support herself just from writing books, so she also cleans houses. The thing is, she enjoys it and feels like between the hard work, the people she meets, and the time she gets to therapeutically reflect actually helps her writing. A great book to start the year off with... very inspiring, and definitely makes a person want to go work a labor-intensive job and then come home and write. :)
2. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte - 4 - This book was extremely depressing, and even kind of dark. But I loved it! It spans over a very long amount of time, and they characters are the epitome of a dysfunctional family. I’d honestly read it again, as frustrating as it was at points. It was a very interesting and I think about it a lot. I even wrote a poem about it later in the year.
3. Dishwasher by Pete Jordan - 4 - A comedic, first person account of 20-something Pete who discovers that he has a calling to washing dishes for a living. Soon it becomes his goal to wash dishes in all 50 states. In doing so, he encounters many strange people and experiences, and eventually starts producing a zine for passionate dishwashers everywhere. At the end he falls in love with another dishwasher, though they up and decide to move to Ireland before Pete goes through all 50 states. But other than that disappoinment, it was a fun book to read.
4. Microgreens by Fionna Hill - 4 - When I arrived at the farm I worked at in the winter and spring, I was assigned to research and then grow microgreens, which are greens grown very close together in trays and harvested after they have developed one or two sets of true leaves. They have not only compacted flavor (good for garnishing), but also it is supposed that they have compacted nutrients (handful of kale microgreens may be equal in nutritional value to a whole pound of full-grown kale. Little research has been done on this, though). This book was my research starting point, and it was super informative! It was very visual, and covered every angle I needed to know. I did some online research afterwards, but I really didn’t need to.
5. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller - 5 - A story about telling stories, and how the author, Donald Miller, learned to make his own life into a story by putting himself out there and setting himself up for adventures and the unexpected. Very inspiring book on so many different levels, and also very sweet and funny.
6. The Mystery of the Yellow Room by Gaston Leroux - 4 - A Sherlock Holmes sort of mystery written by the same dude who wrote one of my all-time favorites, The Phantom of the Opera. The only reason I gave it a 4 instead of a 5 was simply because it wasn’t SUPER exciting, but it was a great book.
7. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway - 4 - A short, sad book. I read it mostly while sitting up in a giant tree which definitely added to it being awesome. My dear Hemingway never fails.
8. Vagabond's House by Don Blanding - 4 - Pretty book of poetry about traveling and settling down and then traveling some more. I’m not often the biggest fan of structured, rhyming poetry, but Blanding writes so beautifully that I quickly forgot to notice anything rhymed. I read a lot of it out loud to myself, which enhanced it just as the tree did for the Hemingway book.
9. Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer - 3 - I think I would have liked it more if it had been written by somebody else. Krakauer, to me, seemed to be trying too hard to write, to the point of nearly upstaging the story. Still, it was very interesting, and very sad in a frustrating way, as the kid was very rash. I’d like to see the movie.
10. The Inferno by Dante Alighieri - 3 - The reason I gave this a 3 is a matter of personal preference. I’m not a huge fan of reading stories in poetry. But how else could it have been told? The translation was well done, and it was interesting to see Dante’s philosophy. I’ve yet to find both other parts of the Divine Comedy, but when I do, I look forward to reading them.
11. Demian by Herman Hesse - 3 - Another philosophical kind of book... a coming-of-age story in which the characters sort of sit around discussing spirituality and conformity. I didn’t really agree with the philosophies, but it was interesting food for thought.
12. The Witches by Roald Dahl - 5 - I didn’t even realize who Roald Dahl was until this year! I know, pathetic. So I picked up this book from the library and LOVED it. It made me feel like a kid again, turning page after page, not wanting to go to sleep till I could finish it. Which, in turn also inspired me to write more children’s literature myself that adults could also enjoy.
13. Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott - 2 - This book is about writing.... it had some very good parts, but all in all it could have been said in half the book. Mid-way it just started to feel redundant. I’ve met plenty of people who love it, though, so you don’t necessarily have to take my word.
14. Becoming a Tiger by Susan McCarthy - 5 - BEST BOOK EVER. From genetic imprinting to learning styles to creativity to animal rehab gone wonky, this book is full of funny case studies on how baby animals learn to grow up. I highly recommend it, unless you are not really into animal stuff.
15. A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink - 3 - A great book; the reason I personally give it a 3 is because most of it was not new information for me. It’s about how technological skills are becoming less and less relevant to this society, giving way to the creative mind, just like the technical mind replaced the farmer/laborer back in the day. A quick read with lots of good resources.
16. Horseradish By Lemony Snicket - 3 - A book of witty Lemony Snicket quotes. Short and fun; would make a good coffee-table book if itwas bigger.
17. The BFG By Roald Dahl - 4 - Roald Dahl again! I’m only giving this a 4 because I liked The Witches better.
18. The Bad Beginning
19. The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket - 4 to both - Depressing and frustrating in the coolest way possible. Snicket is an amazing author; this year was also my first time reading anything by him, and he almost lives up to Roald Dahl.
20. The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hill - 2 - Cool way to learn about Toaism, but the author does not live up to A.A. Milne’s writing style in the slightest when he tries to emulate it. So that bothered me.
21. The Town and the City by Jack Kerouac - 5 - Kerouac’s first book, much more clear and structured than his later, beat-poet-jazz works, but still an amazing book. It is set in my favorite time period, 30s and 40s, and tells of a large family growing up together in a small town and later parting ways, never to be brought together again. Beautiful, and tear-jerking in many places, too. I highly recommend it.
22. Crazy Love by Franis Chan - 3 - Christian book about how God loves us and how we should work harder on loving. Unfortunately, a lot of the book came off as very judgemental towards certain other types of Christians, which is unfair and hypocritical. Further proof we probably just need to shut our flappers and stop talking about how we SHOULD love, and just go DO it. (See? Here I am doing the same thing. It’s hopeless.)
23. Emily of New Moon
24. Emily Climbs
25. Emily's Quest by L. M. Montgomery - all, 5 - Written by the same person who wrote another favorite book series, Anne of Green Gables. Another set of witty, sweet novels. Emily has been recently orphaned and has gone to live with her two spinster aunts and bachelor uncle. Very , very similar to the Anne books, but I think that is one of the main reasons I liked them so much.
26. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt - 2 - I more just read this to kill some time, it is very short and I’d seen the movie years ago. Eh, it was okay, not really a page-turner.
27. Banana Rose by Natalie Goldberg - 2 - I was so disappointed! I’ve mentioned before that I really look up to Natalie Goldberg as a writer; I have read most all of her books on writing and they have helped me so much. But this book was mostly horrible, I am sorry to say. I liked a couple of the secondary characters enough to keep reading, but the two main characters were just awful, in my opinion. Also, her style jumped around a lot - it was metaphorical at some points, almost too metaphorical, like an acid trip, and then other times it was bland and with no description or anthing. Honestly I would not recommend it, which makes me so sad to say. But I can see why her other books are the ones that sell so well and that it took me forever to find this.
28. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck - 5 - Another short book, but sooooo good! The first book I’ve ever read by Steinbeck, and I must say he is an excellent story teller. Even as it was very sad, it was a lovely book, and I’d read it again and again.
29. Unintentional Music by Lane Arye - 4 - Part zen, part psychology, part in-depth study of creativity. Arye writes about “process work”, which is following subconscious processes of all different sorts of artists, turning mistakes into something better. He uses musicians as his examples most of the time: so, say you are playing a piece on the piano and at one point you make the same mistake every time you get to that point. Lane Arye would tell you to emphasize it, and see how that works. It’s hard to describe, but at any rate, I highly recommend it to help with any times you feel blocked creatively. Cool book.
30. The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac - 5 - And the best book to end the year as well. Zen, poetic travel-adventures had by Jack Kerouac and his other poetic and adventuresome pals. It doesn’t really have a plot, but it is such a wild and lovely book, it doesn’t need one! I know it’s probably not for everyone, but I loved it.

It's finally 2012?

So I begin this new year penniless and broken, but rich in sight and together in spirit. Every year I attempt to not be so sappy and sentimental about years and their endings and beginnings. But this year I'm just going to forget about that. If we have no reason to acknowledge endings and beginnings, then what are we?

Some may say it is better to fabricate your own, decide for yourself thine alpha and omega and that is fine and dandy - I often do that in life. But there is something about a universal mark of stopping and starting in the well-acknowledged continuum, something that gives you a sense of unity with others in the world because you know they are also stopping and starting with you. We are all wishing on the same star.

2012, sunshine morning woke me with high hopes painting over last year's stale graffiti. Look, I am not going to be a pessimist about 2011; it was not a cursed year, and 2012 may not be any "better" - more than likely will be some form of "harder."

But it doesn't really matter what comes this year. I can't hope for peace and tranquility, and that is okay. What matters is who I am in this coming year. How I face things that come. How I get up each morning. How I interact with people. How I push through walls or deign to take another route. How I think inside myself. How I maintain peace, faith, hope, and love in my heart.

This morning, shortly after waking up, I had a moment, a wave of relief, just for a second: it will never be 2011 again. And then I felt bad - that is not how I want to look at it at all. 2011 was a blessed year, a wild year, a year full of real tears and even more real smiles. It was the most significant year of my life thus far, as the most recent year always is.

And then I became instantly overwhelmed with the sheer excitement of what I can DO this year! I yanked the unabridged Les Miserables off the shelf: nearly 1,500 pages, a daunting first-of-the-year undertaking for this slow reader. It made me so very ecstatic; so far I am 17 pages in and loving it.

A moment later, mom came in to my room and delivered a book I had just received in the mail: "When They Were 22: 100 Famous People at the Turning Point in Their Lives." I will be 22 this August and plan to read it then.

As I was flipping through the book, I remembered for the umpteenth time that this year is The Year - the one I plan to get an internship working with wolves in some capacity or another. The ideal time I have set aside for myself to do that is sometime between July and October, right around the "turning 22" part of my life. Nobody is saying a "turning point" of any gigantic significance will happen, but it doesn't matter. I've been wanting to do this since I was 16, and anything that is "about time" in coming is a turning point in itself.

I also have many learning and miscellaneous goals for this year. Things like:

• Learn the skills of an amateur naturalist, à la Rachel Carson or John Muir or the doctor in Master and Commander
• Learn intermediate Spanish to the point where I would feel comfortable traveling to a Spanish-speaking country by myself
• Have a college-level understanding of chemistry, especially in how it relates to ecology
• Explore 4 American cities
• Farm at least once in each season
• Take at least 8 rock climbing lessons

Some priorities, though, come first. #1 is to heal my leg! (For those of you who don't know, I tore a ligament in my knee in November playing Ultimate Frisbee and have to get it operated on in a couple of days). #2 is to create some income. My Life Without College blog is about to become an enterprise, folks. Imagine me sitting here with a broken leg, winding up a funky-looking toy that sings songs about looking for college alternatives. Let's see what this baby can really do!

In closing, I have no closing. I am so very happy, always have been, always will be. At some points in 2011 I almost felt dead, but I am learning to not take myself seriously at those times anymore. Maybe life isn't exactly a piece of cake, but the world is my perfect playground… and nobody is going to rain on my parade!

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Love,

~Jessica

Stay tuned for another post on books read in 2011 and what I thought of them, and a sampler of some pictures I took in the last week of the year.